LOVE ONLY GOES SO FAR - Flash Fiction

LOVE ONLY GOES SO FAR

"It was late and Jim dropped me off and I realized as he was driving away I didn't have my keys," he said. "So I was locked out of the house. I knew you were still out with the girls because your car was gone. I called you and got your voice mail. I wasn't sure when you might check it."

"So then I remembered that Mrs. Miller across the street might have a house key because we asked her to water the plants while we were on vacation this past summer."

"So I walk over but she's old and a bit deaf, so she didn't answer her door. I know where her bedroom is on the second floor and it's easy to get on the roof from her porch. So I climb up there. I thought I'd knock on her window. Maybe not such a good idea, but you know what they say about hindsight." He smiled at her, but she had no expression on her face.

"So I get up there and the roof is pitched so I'm holding onto the ledge above her bedroom window with one hand to steady myself. I knock on her window with my right arm, and I raised it above my shoulder. You know that's my arm that freezes up on me sometimes -- old tennis injury," he said. He tried smiling at her again, hoping for some sympathy. She was impassive.

"I've been on that crazy watermelon diet, eating not much besides watermelon for nearly a month now," he said. He glanced down at the Snickers bar she had been nibbling on. She slowly moved the Snickers further away from him. "I've lost about a dozen pounds."

"And you probably are wondering why I didn't have any underwear on. That's understandable. I totally understand you wondering about my lack of underwear. Let me explain," he said. He tried smiling again, but it was a very unsteady smile. Maybe smiling wasn't a good idea, he thought.

"I did have underwear on before I went out. I was walking around in my last clean pair of boxers, and in a moment of weakness, being so tired of watermelon, I decided to have some ice cream," he said. "You know I love chocolate syrup on my ice cream. I had the game on the TV in the kitchen and Pujols was up with the bases loaded, and he took one deep. I was so excited I pumped my fist in the air, but I forgot I was holding a spoon full of ice cream, and it fell off and got all over my shorts. So I took them off. I went out last night commando style." He started to grin but gave up and sighed instead.

"So I was up on her roof. I knocked on her window. I was holding onto that ledge with my left hand and my right arm was a bit locked up from that old injury. And I lost all that weight. That's when my pants fell down, right when Mrs. Miller turned on her light and looked out the window. And since I didn't have any underwear on, she screamed. Heck, she might have screamed even if I did have underwear on. So I reached down with my left arm to try to pull up my pants, and that's when I lost my balance and fell backwards, into the bushes in her yard. I was stunned by the fall and that's how the police found me, on my back in her bushes with my pants down around my ankles and no underwear on, and what I want to say to you is that this could have happened to anyone, but no, we both know stuff like this only happens to me, so all I can say is that I really love you because who else would have me? I love you, baby. I do."

The woman finally smiled a bit, and shook her head. Then she frowned again. "You are doing Mrs. Miller's yardwork for an entire year. And anytime you go within one hundred yards of that poor woman you are going to be wearing two pairs of underwear. You understand?" Then she slapped at his hand. "And no, you can't have my Snickers. Love only goes so far."